Am I the most terribly selfish person I know?

Muffet Villegas is one of two very beautiful persons I came to know since I lost Maia. The other one is Lele Martinez. If not for this painful event in my life, I would never, ever, have gotten the opportunity to know these two ladies - and they stand before me as shining examples of how I should also live my life.

Ma'am Muffet became a friend although we never met. Without meaning to, she became my sounding board and mentor as I groped through what could only be called the darkness and emptiness of my spiritual life.

We write to each other quite often and I am taking the liberty of posting her letter to me. She has so much wisdom to share and I would like to share it with as many as possible. I am also posting excerpts of my own letter to her as I tried to make sense of one very confusing being - me!



Dear Ma'am Muffet,

I'm sorry I did not reply to you immediately. Again, I did not know how to respond to all the wonderful things that you wrote about me. You think so highly of me, and I am not worthy. I am not even sure if you, or I FOR THAT MATTER, know what my real motivations are for doing the things that I am doing. Did I lose you in that Ma'am? Sorry I am lost too. I am really confused right now.

I keep asking myself...am I helping Kate because I have compassion and want to do good for goodness' sake? Do I really value all human life, ALL FORMS OF LIFE, as I profess to do? or I am just selfishly pursuing my own selfish goals?

I claim to value life. Fine. But how come that whenever I would hear news that the vigilantes have gunned down another drug pusher/financer, I would have no feelings of outrage? Rather, I would secretly say "serves them right!" How come I favor the death penalty for scums like Echegarray? How come I commented that whoever raped-slayed that poor 13-yr old girl in Candau-ay should not be taken to court anymore ... that they should be executed right away? POOF ... there goes my claim.

I honestly thought that I valued life, no matter what, that even the scoundrels of society deserve their day in court. But when I examined myself, I realized that I was nothing but a hypocrite who maintains double standards, maybe, in everything that I believe in.

Even my desire to help Kate came under my own scrutiny. Is it because of compassion? Yes. Could it also be because I could easily imagine Kate as the baby that I would probably have, had Maia been born to me? Most certainly yes! Am I hoping to reap heavenly rewards for good deeds? I do not think so. Could Kate merely be a means to an end? That is what I am scared of. What if whatever help would come Kate's way through my efforts now, would merely be a fortunate by-product of my pursuit to find the meaning and reason for my baby's loss? What if I am simply selfishly pursuing my own goal - that of finding my closure? Had I not lost Maia, would I still have lifted a finger to help this baby? If that is so, would that not make me the most terribly selfish person I know?

So many questions! How I wish the answers are as easy to come by. But how can I find answers to my questions when I doubt everything? even myself?

Ma'am, thank you so much for your patience in answering my questions. You cleared up some doubts but stirred up more questions, I'm afraid. I hope that I am not being a burden to you as I grope through my doubts.

Ma'am thank you for wanting to help Kate. Please do not think that I am using our friendship to solicit help for her. I just felt that I would not have done everything for her if I had not brought her case to my friends' attention. As what Ma'am Lele Martinez said to me - just leave it all in God's hands because I have done my part already.

Finally, may I wish for more of God's blessings to come your way? You have so much goodness to share, like guide the likes of me through our confusion, and you will need your health and all your strength to fulfill that mission. I have complete faith that God has touched you with hands that heal and that you will continue to be our shining example for the long years ahead.

With love and the highest regards,

Olga


Dear Olga,

It's good to write long letters, I think we are both on the same boat. We just love to write. I am talkative sometimes. Especially when I talk about something I am really passionate about.

Before I answer your question, let me tell you that I read your mail about that child, who was needing so much help, but she can't avail of some help from the heart center because she's a mongoloid. In every inch you are right when you reasoned out to that person about your contention to help that little girl. I admire you for that. I say that you are a person with determination and substance and who is willing to stand for your belief, and for what is right. I would liken our situation as cancer patients to that child. Some were given 6 months or 3 months to live and a relative of my husband went through chemo for the second set every week at St Luke, even if she was given one year to live. Like that little girl, some of these cancer patients are no longer productive in the sense that we could live like a vegetable with morphine for the rest of our short existence. Yet life is of the greatest value, no matter what. That little girl deserves to live, no matter what kind of situation she is in. Why are there sick people? Why are some so poor? Why are there children who have this kind of illness? Why do I have cancer?

Sad to say, I don't have all the answers. All I know is that, it is not a mere accident that we know these people. God designs a plan, and for everyone we meet, there is a reason behind it. Just like what you said, that there is a reason for every pain. For me for those of us who know about that little girl, God is giving us the chance to respond,in His own way. Do we respond with compassion? or with calousness? is it right for that person to say that since she is not an asset to the community, then, those who decide that she should not avail of those benefits are right? olga, for every person, God gives us a chance to show to Him, our God, who even gave His only Son to die for us that we, in our little ways could respond and be merciful. I am giving to that little girl. Its a small amount, but you know what? God, just wants to test our hearts. You are one person whom God is using as an instrument for others to see with eyes of compassion.

Also, God does not measure our love for Him by going to church. He sees our hearts. he knows our desires to be close to Him. Our prayers may not be answered for now, but God is never too late.

Now your big question. Was I spiritually close before I had cancer? Yes. But my faith was not this BIG. I am not a good person. I am like the others. I scold my kids, and nag my husband. I have missed so many opportunities to help. Although we have just barely enough, I discovered that being poor is not a hindrance to help. But my belief since I was little is that, it is better to be hurt by others than me to hurt someone. I believe that I can handle the hurt and I can forgive. But I can't handle or control the other person if I hurt him with words. I can't sleep thinking that I hurt somebody. I always believe that there is a good thing in every person even if he is the worst for others. So I would go for those who are hurt, or needy. I find ways to cheer them up. But you you know what? I thought it was enough to be good hearted, I failed to realize that I was doing it to merit God's love. To make him utangan to me. Which was wrong. The danger of being self righteous was there.I still felt empty, Olga, it was like I was doing it for nothing. One thing strange with humility is that once we realize that we have it, then we lose it.

Many years ago, I thought I could be saved by good works. Wrong again. if this is true, then I didn't need a savior, right? Christ death on the cross would be in vain, because look, I could save myself by being good. I grew up with the nuns for seven long years. I almost became one. My parents made me as "interna" since first year up to first two years in college. Again, we were not even well to do, but just enough that we could get a good education.

Yet I was yearning for God. I didn't feel Him close. As if he was too too far away. I would go to church everyday, but it was like nothing. There was that vacuum. even if I have a good husband, and nothing to complain about my life, there was still that nagging pain of emptiness. Then one day I became so desperate. I asked God to show me the way. To make me feel that he is real. I was brought to to this full gospel gathering , then there , I received the Lord Jesus as my personal Lord and saviour. Yes it sounds like a cliche, but these words have totally changed my attitude of self righteousness. I realized that like others, I was a vile sinner. I sinned in my thoughts, in words,and action, and to God, sin is sin. Jesus said, if we thought about killing someone, because of anger, we have done it actually, so who am I? I thought about nasty things, and never talked about them, and I thought I didn't sin. How many times have I murdered somebody in my thoughts? The bible says, everyone has sinned and fall short. In thoughts,in words and in deed.

Then after several years, cancer strikes. You know what? I can't imagine myself taking this blow if it was not for that personal relationship with Jesus. Maybe, I would have hated God. maybe I would have become bitter and ask a lot of why me Lord? I don't drink, nor smoke, I live a straight life, I am good, etc...why cancer Lord?

But when I heard it, when my doc told me about it, I cried and begged God to be with me, I didn't want to be away from him, and he kept so close, than ever, Olga.. the feeling is so wonderful. Sometimes when pain was terrible, I would ask Him to block it out, just hold me so I could sleep. And He did, many many times. How can I not fall in love with God? He showed many times his power. I bled on the fourth day and my doc said, it was seconds, and they could have lost me on that operating table. Then as I was groping for conciousness, I felt jesus so close. Actually holding me. I know it sounds strange to some, but that experience was so wonderful. So lovely, and won't excnage it with tho those times that i was healthy.

Yes, as you follow God, He will reveal to you all these miracles, like answered prayers for that baby, Olga, God has beautiful plans for you as you follow him,know Him. He's got more to show you. He will provide tremendously beyond your imagination. Continue to trust God.

Much love,

Muffet

A Tribute to Kate's Unknown Angel

She agonized over how she could help Baby Kate. She has funds for her charity works, but she knew that if she gets money from that fund to help Kate, it would be tantamount to taking away much-needed help from others who are just as unfortunate.

Then somebody came to her one day, bringing one news she never expected to hear ... she won the grand prize in a nationwide raffle! She won P50,000.00 ... from the ONE ticket she purchased that was worth P100.00.

What are the odds of winning that grand prize with just one ticket against hundreds of thousands sold in a nationwide raffle? Practically nil. But our angel did win.

Without any hesitation, she started giving away her winnings. First, she gave a P10,000.00 donation to a local organization. Then she pledged the amount of P30,000.00 to Kate so she could have her surgery as soon as possible.

She said that that money was not for her. She believes in her heart that God sent that money for Kate and for the others who are in need of help. And so she gave them away.

How many people would do that? I, for one, could not. Of that, I am certain.

To this beautiful angel, IT IS I, Olga, who is blessed and HONORED to have met somebody like you. How I wish I could tell the world who you are, but I have to respect your wishes.

IT IS YOU who is totally and so unbelievably selfless. I could never do what you are doing for Kate.

As I wrote before, I am merely trying to be good, to rise above my own selfishness. Had that money come to me, I know that I could not part with it, because my priorities would go to mortgage amortizations and overdue insurance and college plan premiums. My desire to reach out to others and share God's blessings, comes in constant conflict with my instinct to secure my own loved ones' interests first, and IT IS A LOSING BATTLE MOST OF THE TIME.

Thank you so much for showing me that there is still so much goodness left on this earth. You restored my faith in all of MANKIND.

Now I can believe that there is still so much compassion left in the hearts of people for those who are less fortunate than themselves.

Thank you so much for showing me your example. I will strive to follow your footsteps and walk on the path you are treading.

I know that you do not expect any reward from God for your goodness, but of this, I AM ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN ...

GOD IS WATCHING AND HE IS VERY PLEASED WITH YOU!!

You have brought HIM great HONOR by your obedience!

He is very pleased indeed ...

I WANT TO LIVE!

I slept late last night because of "Van Helsing". I was surfing channels prior to turning the TV off when I caught the movie just when it was about to start.

Actually, I think I have seen Van Helsing twice already, but I always caught it when it was on its final half. My favorite part was that spectacular masked ball in Budapest with all those acrobats swinging from that oh-so-high ceiling. It simply was an awesome sight!

But what really made me want to watch this movie again and again is the compelling character of Frankenstein's monster. I cannot forget that part when he was dangling over an abyss. He asked the Friar ... "help me!" To that, the Friar replied, "but you are supposed to die!"

"I WANT TO LIVE" ...... the monster answered.

Four simple words ... "I want to live". Yet it speaks volumes to me. I was struck by the immensity of his desire to exist, a hideous monster like him, who knew he had no chance whatsoever of being accepted by society.

Living and dying. Who decides who is to live and who is to die? Who can play God for all of us here on this earth?

Who has a better right to live? Everything that is normal and beautiful as represented by that ethereal albino peacock? ... the very sight of which would send shivers down our spines?

How about the monster? He embodies all our darkest fears ... the likes of him certainly has no place in our midst ...

For those of us who aspire for perfection and harmony... he is everything that is ugly and repulsive, an undesirable that ought to be swept under the rug ... hidden from our view ...

And when it comes to deciding who is to live? Shall we play God? Who will live? Who shall be cast aside?

LEAP OF FAITH

I wrote about Kate last issue hoping and praying that a miracle would happen for this helpless little baby. I had nothing to lose and the worse that could happen is for the readers to utter a few words of sympathy and then move on to the next page.

But i did something else. I sent an email to Ma'am Lele Martinez telling her about Kate. I included the draft of my article "Life is Precious, No Matter What".

I am a complete stranger to Ma'am Lele. All that I could tell her was that I used to work for Atty. Frank Yap, her old friend, and that I used to see her whenever she would visit his office. Knowing her involvement with civic organizations, I was hoping that she could help by bringing Kate's case to their attention.

Writing to her was a shot in the dark. When I decided to write about this child, I prayed to God and asked Him to help me find help for her. I took a leap of faith saying "Ginoo, ikaw na ang bahala".

She immediately wrote back and these were her exact words to me,

"God gave you the gift of writing and the opportunity at Metropost to make a
difference for people like Kate. You have done your part, let it rest in God's
hands and we will trust that His grace and providence will come.

IT WILL COME."

She wrote with so much certainty ... "IT WILL COME". I believed her and I took her advice to my heart. Having done what I could for Kate, I let go and left her in His loving hands.

Last Wednesday, help came indeed. Ma'am Lele told me that she found a benefactor for Kate who pledged to give P30,000.00 so she could have her surgery immediately. All that we need to do now is raise P170,000.00. With the amount that we already have, we are so close already.

You see, the hospital requires a deposit of 50% before Kate could be scheduled for surgery, and yes!!! that P200,000.00 is exactly the 50% that is needed!!!

GOD IS GREAT! And I want to shout this at the top of my voice. This miracle is an affirmation that God is taking care of all of us, most especially of the littlest and most helpless among us.

But our struggles are not over yet. The P200,000.00 is merely the deposit that will enable Kate to receive that much-needed surgery. In her desperation, Kate's mother Dinnah, has decided to do her own leap of faith ... go on with the surgery and then pray that more help will come so all her hospital bills could be paid later on.

We shall be joining her as she prays for God to see Kate through her operation. We shall also join her as she prays for more miracles to come Kate's way. A little here and there will add up to one big miracle from all of us.

Finally, please join me in thanking God for His loving mercy and in thanking Kate's angels, Ma'am Lele Martinez for her willingness to help a complete stranger, and our unknown benefactor ... you are so blessed for God has chosen YOU of all people ...

Is it not amazing? Through YOU, God is performing His miracle here on earth. He specifically chose YOU. You are so blessed. What you are giving away will return to you a hundredfold.

Thank God for people like YOU!

“SEATBELTS … so we can be safe!”

Have you ever seen a skull cracked open with the brain showing inside? I did.

My apologies for being so graphic, but I feel that I have to be to grab your attention. You see, that was a life-changing moment for me. No, not the earth-shaking kind though. Nevertheless, it changed the way I think about certain things. For instance, I started buckling up that very same day. Until now, I still do, even if it is only for take the seven-minute drive to and from my daughter’s school.

The passing of the law prescribing the use of seat belts barely created a ripple in that area of my consciousness labeled “safety measures while driving”. It was more like an irritating thorn that became a bother whenever I had the car registration renewed. In my narrow-mindedness, I thought of drivers wearing seat belts as balikbayan show-offs who wanted everybody to see how sophisticated they have become, having embraced the practices of the western cultures.

Then came that fateful Easter Sunday three years ago. My uncle had a fatal accident in km.13 of that infamous stretch we all know as Lala-an (San Jose). His head hit the windshield … you know the rest of the story.

I could not help but think that had he been wearing his seat belt, he would have survived that accident. His belt would have prevented his head from smashing into the windshield.

Of course, these are merely conjectures on my part, but being the natural-born praning that I am, I decided not to take any more chances and I started buckling up, with “Dora, The Explorer’s” unforgettable line: “seat belts…so we can be safe!” repeating itself over and over in my mind.

Have you ever considered this? Why do we find it so natural and indisputable to fasten our seat belts when we take the plane? Of course, we are required to do so by the pilot. I do not really know what will happen if we refuse to comply. Most likely, we will be escorted out and the plane will leave without us. But more than that, I think that when we are flying (contrary to driving), we are more aware of the risk of a possible accident. Many of us are apprehensive and fastening that belt gives us a little confidence, as if that belt could actually save us if God forbid we would be in a serious one.

So how about when we are driving? No need for seat belts? After all, we are the best and most careful drivers, are we not? Right? Wrong. Plane crashes are very, very rare compared to vehicular accidents. And if it happens? In most cases, seat belts can do nothing or very little for our survival. Only in the car crash situation can the seat belt truly deserve to be called "safety" belt.

I did a little research and these are what I came up with. Most of these are US/Australian data, but I guess they apply to us as well.

First, let us examine the seatbelt myths.

It is only a short trip so I do not need to wear it.
WRONG. Most road crashes occur within 10 kilometers from home, so it is very important to buckle up even on a short trip.

I do not need a seat belt because I do not travel very fast.
WRONG. A crash at 40km/h has the same impact as falling from a two-storey building into concrete! And 80% of traffic accidents occur at speeds under 65km/h.

The back seat is safer.
WRONG. Research shows that the back seat is no safer than the front seat if you are not wearing a seat belt.

It is not my concern if my passenger does not wear a seat belt.
WRONG. In a crash, an unrestrained passenger is a lethal weapon capable of killing or seriously injuring others in the car when he slams into them at high speed.

Seat belt will harm the baby of a pregnant woman.
WRONG. A seat belt worn around the pelvis will not harm the fetus. Instead, it will protect both mother and unborn child.

Here are tips for correctly and comfortably wearing a seat belt when you are pregnant:

(a) Place the lap sash part of the belt under the bulge, as low as possible. The lap part of the seat belt should sit over the upper thighs and not across the bulge.

(b) You may be able to adjust the angle of the seat belt by using a seat belt locator.

(c) Place the sash part of the belt in between your breasts.

Wearing a seat belt is one of the simplest and most effective ways of protecting ourselves as driver or passenger in a car. Seat belts decrease the time it takes for a car occupant to come to a stop on impact. Furthermore, it spreads the impact force over a greater area of the body; minimizes contact with the interior of the vehicle; and it prevents the person from being thrown outside the car. The chance of being killed is 25% more if one is thrown out.

Car accidents are the leading cause of death and disability in the US. Traffic accidents kill about 50,000 Americans every year and seriously injure 3.5 million more. About 65% of traffic fatalities could have been prevented if everyone buckled up.

In Australia, 33% of those killed and 20% of those seriously injured were not wearing seat belts.

World-wide, seat belts reduce the chance of injury or death in a vehicular collision by 10% to 80%, depending on the type of collision (near-side impact, rollover, head-on, etc.).

That driving is one of the most dangerous activities we engage in is an undeniable fact. No matter how careful we are as drivers, there is still that risk that a careless driver will crash into us. In fact, there is one in three chance (33%) that we will be seriously injured in a car crash in a lifetime of driving.

Seat belts, then, offer the best protection against injury and increase our chances of surviving an accident. Buckling up is very easy you know. It takes only about six seconds to do it. They are not uncomfortable. They are designed to give with the body, and they help prevent slouching, thereby reducing fatigue. Furthermore, they are designed to allow us to move freely in our seats until there is a sudden stop and they lock into place. And they are definitely not too much trouble! Taking the extra time could save our lives! More often than not, seat belts will keep us conscious after a collision, so we are more likely able to get out of the car, which is a great advantage if the car is in the water or on fire. Not wearing the seat belt during a collision means that we will probably be rendered unconscious.

So how about our children? Should they be wearing seat belts as well?

Here is where I have been amiss as far as securing my daughter’s safety inside a car is concerned. The only precaution I have taken was not allowing her in the front seat, even when I was there myself and she is seated on my lap. My worry was the risk of her face hitting the dashboard in case my husband would have to apply the brakes abruptly.

But having learned what I have from my research, I realize now that seating her at the back is not nearly enough. I usually drive at 40km/h (when I am not in a hurry), and from our discussion here, we now know how much impact could be delivered in a collision at that speed alone!

So how about if somebody in the backseat (who is wearing the belt) will hold our children tightly in their arms? This is what I learned from my research.

In a collision, your car can stop so rapidly that it experiences a sudden deceleration of say, 30g. In plain English, everything becomes 30 times heavier. If you are holding a 10-kg infant on your lap, he would suddenly weigh 300 kilograms! That is the weight of four or five washing machines! You could not hang onto that many washing machines in a slow lift - and most certainly not in a sudden jerk! As a result, the infant goes flying out of your arms to smash into the windshield! Under 30g, the average 70 kg person suddenly weighs about 2,100 kg. Your arms simply cannot support that enormous weight, especially if it is applied suddenly.

Can this truly happen? Yes, my dear reader, it can and it already did. When my uncle had that accident, his grandson, Rusty, was also killed. He was cradled by his yaya when the tire burst and their Tamaraw FX crashed into a post. Rusty went flying into the windshield. He died from severe head injuries. He was only 5 months old.

I hope that knowing these facts now will prompt us into doing some serious thinking next time we enter our cars, especially when our loved ones are with us.

Erratum

There is an inaccurate statement in my precious post "Life is Precious, No Matter What". I wrote that Kate was rejected as a charity patient because of her condition as a mongoloid baby.

I got my facts wrong. I learned belatedly that Kate was not actually rejected ...

She could still be a charity patient, however, Kate could not be given priority status because she is a mongoloid child. In other words, a child with a similar condition as Kate’s, but who is otherwise “normal”, will be awarded the charity slot first. Kate will have to wait until . . . . . . what? there are no other “normal” charity patients left?

How about the urgency of her need for surgery? The waiting could last for ages, so there is practically very little chance that she could be operated on under that program. And if ever she was, it might already be too late for her.

This does not change my position in any way. I still maintain that Kate deserves equal chance to life as everyone else. The suggestion that a charity slot will merely be wasted on Kate because she is not going to have a healthy and fruitful life anyway makes me sick!

Why? Only "normal" people deserve to live or to have a longer life?

If your answer is YES ... let me ask you this:

Would your position still be the same if Kate were your child?

PRINCIPLE OF TRIAGE

This is a comment I received in response to "Life is Precious, No Matter What".


You made a very compelling argument Olga. Your passion for kindness and charity is truly admirable. However, I would like to say something about the policy of the Philippine Heart Center. Let me say this first, I am not an apologist for PHC and my comment is based on the assumption that PHC is applying their policy FAIRLY ACROSS THE BOARD, ALL THE TIME. Having said that, I do not believe cruelty is the right characterization of their policy. I was a soldier once and what comes to mind in cases like this is the principle of triage. For someone in the leadership or command position I am painfully aware that I have to apply this sort of decision at some point in time and be subjected to it myself should I become a casualty. As you may probably already know, triage is used in hospital emergency rooms, on battlefields, and at disaster sites when LIMITED MEDICAL RESOURCES must be allocated only to those capable of deriving the greatest benefit from it. Furthermore, the survival of the recipient must have a tangible benefit to the greater good. Yes, it sounds callous and cold but considering the Philippines, a virtual disaster site specially for the poor, I can understand the decision of PHC. How many Filipino children who have the same heart condition as Kate but given a second chance at life will contribute something beneficial to mankind? Would you embark on the same undertaking with zeal and persistence for them?


My reply:

EAA, Thank you for your comment.

I have not come across the term “principle of triage” before, but I understand its essence perfectly.

I am thinking on two levels here. The passionate mother in me is crying out loud against this injustice and yes, this CRUELTY. Whether you like it or not, it is cruel. Furthermore, it is, in your own words, cold and callous. But another side of me is capable of appreciating the necessity for this policy. I am realistic enough to acknowledge that given some of the considerations you mentioned, it is indeed, in the simplest and most basic word I could think of … the most practical. On the cerebral level, yes, I can agree with you wholeheartedly.

However, and this is where and why we could never agree with each other, my arguments are premised from an entirely different standpoint. At the risk of being accused as self –righteous, I am arguing for what I consider to be morally right … all of us being equal in the eyes of God, therefore having equal rights for a chance to live, NO MATTER WHAT!

I am not actually condemning the Philippine Heart Center for that policy. Rather, I am condemning the circumstances that made it ABSOLUTELY necessary for the hospital to adapt such policy re: LIMITED MEDICAL RESOURCES.

May I ask this question though. Is it actually limited medical resources alone that is the consideration? You may or may not know this yet, but being a charity patient does not mean that Kate will be operated on for free. It simply means that her family will be paying less than the P400t – P500t that is needed for a full-paying patient. If I am not mistaken, P225t would be sufficient already. With the P150t that we have raised, hey, P75t no longer seems so unattainable!

So one cannot help but ask … why not? Kate’s family would still pay anyway. Doctors’ fees perhaps?

To answer your final question: would I still embark with the same zeal and persistence for children like Kate?

YES I definitely would.

Come to think of it, how many of us “normal” people have actually contributed something worthwhile to the world, even to our own communities?

Is it not that most of us live only for our sorry little lives, or selflessly care only for those who are nearest and dearest to us? I do not want to sound like a cynic, although maybe I already am, but I am painfully aware of this fact. That is the harsh reality. Most people, I am not saying all, but MOST, are bent only on advancing their own concerns in their own little worlds, and that includes me!

All we “normal” people possess is merely the potential to be of some good to others.

Does the fact that we have this POTENTIAL to be beneficial to people other than our own families give us a better right to be saved? That Kate possesses none of these prospects makes her what? – DISPENSABLE?

Is she not human too?

I urged my readers to imagine Kate as their own. How about you Sir? If she were your own child, and your situation is similar to that of her parents? What would you do? How would you feel?

I really appreciate receiving your comment. Do not be surprised if I will post your comment and my reply in my blog. I would like you to be able to read my response should you visit again. God bless!

P.S.

I misunderstood the question, which i realized belatedly, refers to otherwise “normal” but similarly sick children, who, if given chance for a second life, would be beneficial to mankind… would I still embark on the same undertaking with zeal and persistence for them?

My answer is still the same, but not because they will ultimately become assets to the great majority, but simply because I value human life. What the heck! I even value animal life!!! This is not self-promotion, but I pick up abandoned kittens and puppies from the streets!

The right to live or to have a chance at second life should not be a privilege that is available only to those who can afford it … but then, I am thinking of ideals here, and being such, it is like trying to reach for the clouds….

So I just settle on what little I can do given my limited resources, and PRAY AND HOPE, that there are other people out there who hold similar values, but unlike me, have greater resources to share.

Finally, thank you for your kind words about my "passion for kindness and charity", but I am not deserving. I am merely trying to rise above my own quagmire of selfishness. It is a constant struggle - to look beyond myself and those who are dear to me - and it is a losing battle most of the time.

Best regards,
Olga

LIFE IS PRECIOUS, NO MATTER WHAT!

These past few weeks, Baby Kate and her sorry plight had been occupying my thoughts, filling me with the overwhelming desire to do what I could for her. I wrote to Pia Cayetano, Cathy Guballa, Gina de Venecia and Noemi Lardizabal-Dado, mothers who have lost children, hoping that having known the pain of losing a child, they would be moved into helping Kate. But, except for Noemi, I have not received any response from them.

Maybe they have not read my emails yet. But WHAT IF they did, but chose to ignore it?

In my previous entry, I wrote these words:

"I am hoping that having known the pain that comes from losing a beloved child, they will be moved into helping Kate, not only because they are mothers themselves, but also because they will have compassion and will want to spare Kate's mother from the same pain... should God forbid, Kate be lost to her.

These mothers belong to a very select club. There are very strict requirements for membership. Not even the wealthiest will be accepted without the necessary qualifications!

I wish the members of this club will close ranks against Kate's mother ... ban her from the club at all cost ... DON'T EVER ACCEPT HER AS MEMBER! Do not let her in.....

You see, Kate's mother will have to lose Kate to become a member.

Qualification: know the excruciating pain of losing a beloved child. After that, you will qualify. No other requirements needed."

WHAT IF THEY IGNORED MY PLEAS FOR KATE?

If so, I wonder what this speaks about us a people?

Have we totally lost our compassion for those who are less fortunate than we are?

Or have we become too wary of scams, we suspect everything and everyone who come to us for aid, so we rather opt to ignore all and assume the worse?

Or are we simply too engrossed with our needs and that of our family's, nothing else concerns us anymore, thus we have no more room for others?

Or could it simply be pure economics? Times being hard, we only have enough for ourselves ... there is nothing left for others ...


But I do not want to give up on us yet. I still believe that there is goodness in every person's heart ... that if only I could reach into that deepwell of compassion, I would be able to see the outpouring of love and support that is desperately needed.

I AM NOT GIVING UP YET!

That is why I have decided to write about Kate in my column for the August 20, 2006 issue of MetroPost.

If only people would read with their hearts ... then take a look at their normal and healthy children, and send a silent prayer of thanks to God ... then rejoice and celebrate by lending a helping hand to those children who are not as perfect ...

EVERY LIFE IS PRECIOUS!

Do you love your children? Of course you do! We all do!

But have you ever considered this? What if, God forbid, our children are different from what they are now, imperfect somehow, would our love still be the same?

Is there a gauge for our love for our children? Is there a condition of perfection attached to that love? “OF COURSE NOT!” – you would tell me … “I will love my child just as much, no matter what he or she may be.”

So, what if Kate were our own daughter? Will our love still be as strong? Will we do everything for her?

BUT WHO IS KATE ANYWAY?

Let me tell you about Kate Lozada. She is a seven-month old baby girl, a child who has fallen short of that perfection we all dream our children would always be. And not only that, she is very, very sick.

She has a congenital heart disease known as Tetralogy of Fallot. According to Dra. Joan Davis delos Santos, it basically means that she 4 defects in her heart. In layman terms, it is a critical condition where BOTH valves of the chambers of her heart are defective. This causes reduced oxygenation to the blood, making her heart work harder than usual. This stress will eventually lead to heart failure and death.

Ideally, the defects should have been corrected right after birth because the pressures in the heart continue to rise as Kate grows. Once it reaches a very high level, surgery will become practically impossible for her, as the risk that she could die in the operating table will be too high by then.

That is why her need for surgery is VERY URGENT. It has to be done as soon as possible. The operation will cost between P400,000.00 to P500,000.00. Kate’s parents can raise that amount by trying to save as much as they can, but it might be too late by then. They are running a race against time. They tried to enter her as a charity patient at the Philippine Heart Center but Baby Kate was rejected. Would you like to know why? She has Down syndrome. Kate is a mongoloid baby.

Are you not shocked at the cruelty of that policy? What does it mean? Just leave her to die, follow the natural course? That a charity slot will merely be wasted on Kate because she is not going to have a healthy and fruitful life anyway? Whaaaat???? Are they telling us that only “normal” people deserve to live? Is she not a child of God just like every one of us?

SUHS Class ‘84 is helping Kate because her mother, Dinnah Lozada, was our batchmate. Old friends and classmates have donated money and together, we have raised around P150,000.00.

I have also helped by giving financial aid. But I am not rich. If I were one, I would just say "schedule the surgery! I will take care of everything!" Oh God! How I wish I could say that to Kate's mother and see joy and hope return to her eyes! She cries everytime I would see her. But I can only give what little I have, and it is but a drop - an insignificant addition that did not take us any nearer to the amount that we need!

That is why I am writing about Kate now, to appeal to the hearts of each mother and father who is reading this column. Please spare Kate whatever little amount you may have. A little here and there will go a long way for her. Please help give to her the gift of life. Institutions may have relegated her to the bins, but Kate has a family who loves her, not in spite of, but exactly because of who and what she is. That, I believe, is the very essence of unconditional love, the very same love that we all have for our own children.

If you want to know more about Kate, you can find her mother, Dinnah Lozada, at the Pharmacy of SUMC. The baby’s pediatrician, Dra. Glenda N. Nuico, has kindly consented to the mention of her name in my endeavors to find help for Kate. She will welcome your queries should you be interested to learn more. Her clinic is at SUMC.

To my readers: life is precious no matter what. No amount of money can ever approximate the value of a human life, but whatever little amount you can spare, be it P5, P20, P50 or P100, will mean a longer life for this helpless baby. Please give only what you can. Times are hard and most of us barely have enough for our own family’s needs, but if you have some spare, some amount that will not hurt your budget, WHY NOT GIVE? It is really very easy to help Kate, you know. Just imagine that she is your own baby. That is what I am doing right now.

To those of you who may belong to religious or civic organizations, please take up Kate as a worthy cause. Maybe your group has some extra funds. Please let my appeal move your heart. We may not know this now, but God may be trying to do His work through each one of us. Please listen with a mother or father’s heart.

If you want to donate, a trust account was opened for Kate:
Metrobank – Dgte. Branch

Account Name : Dinnah Guevarra Lozada in trust for KATE GUEVARRA LOZADA

Account Number: 110-311059581-7

Or you may want to give directly to Kate’s mother, Dinnah Lozada. She may be reached at this number: 0917-314-1942.

I would appreciate it very much if you could also inform me if you have donated. I will continue to write about Kate and I would like to acknowledge your donations in this column.

We saw a miracle happen when MetroPost was able to come back to us. Please let another miracle happen within the pages of MetroPost. Let it be for Kate this time.

A Stage Mother and One Uninterested Ballerina / The Rebirth of a Stage Mother

MetroPost said goodbye in their July 30 issue. They cited financial difficulties being the cause of their closure. This weekend, however, MetroPost was ressurrected by what the editors consider to be "a miracle".

Here is the editorial in the August 6 issue:

"It is said that publishing a newspaper is like making a miracle - you start with nothing and come out with something.

For the last four years that we have been publishing the MetroPost, we see the miracle happen every week.

Last week, we not only saw this miracle happen again, we saw an even bigger miracle. We did say we were cashing in our chips for the simple reason that the bills to pay were bigger than the money coming in.

But what happened next was totally beyond our expectations. MetroPost readers -- even those we didn't know were reading us -- called, emailed, sent text messages offering, among other things, to defray part of our printing costs. This, we believe, is something unheard of in Dumaguete, and also probably unprecedented in the history of Philippine media.

Yes, we're back in business! Now, more than ever, we know we are filling a need in the Dumaguete and Negros Oriental community. A need that is felt by our readers regardless of their politics, religious beliefs, and economic standing.

With such a divergent readership and support, this is one time we can truly say the MetroPost is a newspaper of a real University Town!

Indeed, we just witnessed another miracle. But don't look for it in the paper you are reading. Rather, look within yourselves, for the miracle is what touched the hearts of the MetroPost readers to action. Praise God!"

So this is how it came to be that I am able to continue writing for MetroPost, in my column Housewives on the Move. For the next two issues, I wrote about myself as stage mother and about the story of one really successful stage mother, Noemi.


Part 1: A Stage Mother and One Uninterested Ballerina


“It’s 4:45 pm already, why are they not here yet?” I looked at my watch for the nth time, tapped impatient fingers on the table, paced around nervously, frowned towards the empty stairs, returned to the tables and frowned (again) at the assortment of girly accessories littered all over it… “WE’RE DEFINITELY GOING TO BE LATE!”

Then the sound of footsteps could be heard hurrying down the stairs … finally, we can start!

Yes folks, you are reading about one stressful afternoon in the life of a stage mother! Stressful?…you may wonder. Yes, it is! Take it from me. Keep reading and I will tell you why. And try to imagine yourself in my shoes.

When your daughter would finally appear after that agonizingly long wait, you have to have the agility of a world-class athlete to catch a speeding ball of energy intent only on reaching the playground. If you let her get past you, extricating her from the seesaws and swings would take away 5 minutes from your dwindling time.

Now you have your little girl right where you want her. Then begins the struggle to fit one uncooperative leg after another into very tight tights! At this point, you will start wondering why bother? when you are the only one who is interested anyway. That discussion will have to wait until next Sunday. In the meantime, let us go back to the uncooperative legs that finally got through after all that wriggling and twisting around. Beads of sweat the size of corn kernels are streaming down your forehead already. Phew!!!

“I’m going to fix your hair now. Don’t move!!” But even before you could finish mouthing those nine words, that beloved little head has already started moving and turning around, seemingly bent on following its own agenda. You strongly suspect that it is to tear your already-frayed nerves apart. Grrrrr….

Don’t judge me, but there were times when I was sorely tempted to crush that adorable little head with my bare hands!! How can you fix that hair into a tidy bun when you have a tornado for a head?

“STOP MOVING.” You long so much to shout those words at the top of your voice! But you have to mind your manners, after all, you are not in your own house! Ha ha ha! So you grind your teeth in secret and just say “Please stop moving, Langga. You are giving Mama a very hard time here.”…. in the sweetest voice you could possibly fake!!!

Now, granting that you can immobilize that head, you will still have to contend with impatient feet that keep switching from left to right, jiggling arms that have suddenly become itchy all over, a shaking butt that seems to dance to its own secret tempo… Are you getting the picture already? If not yet, just imagine trying to tie a neat bun on top of a jackhammer! I rest my case.

After so much “ouch, ouch, you’re hurting my head” said in that petulant tone, you finally have her in her pretty pink ballet outfit with hair neatly fixed into a flowery bun (color coordinated, mind you). Tense moments over for the stage mother? Oh no, not yet!

With Hibbard Avenue closed to southbound vehicles, you will have to brave the 5pm traffic in the North Highway, suffer through the bottleneck near NORSU, then turn left at PNB to find even more congestion.

By the time you turn left at Hibbard Ave., you are down to praying you will reach Luce Auditorium before 6pm. Finally, you reach the gate only to be told to get a sticker and then asked for your purpose for entering Silliman! “I’m taking my daughter to ballet class.” To that the guard politely asked, “and where is your daughter Ma’am?” Darn it! You have completely forgotten! “Uuh…ahh, she is riding in her friend’s car…” You wonder what he was thinking about at that point. “Do you have an ID?” OK, with cars piling behind you and traffic at standstill, you panic as you search your bag. Finally, you reach Luce. Phew!

The girls made it too, albeit late! With the little ballerinas deposited into the dance studio, my stage mother pals and I can finally relax. Remember those chairs in the lawn outside Luce? They are still arranged like our own sala. You feel at home immediately…and as I mentioned previously, it is very conducive to stimulating conversation….

But not this afternoon. The supplier of tights, leotards and ballet shoes arrived, and the stage mothers sprung back into action! “I need size 12 leotards with sleeves” … “where are the size 3.5 shoes?” … “is it size 8 or 10 tights for my daughter?” and so on…

Stage Mothers … on call 24/7!


Part 2: The Rebirth of a Stage Mother


Abby will never become a ballerina, even if she takes ballet lessons for the next 50 years! She simply does not possess the gift.

Nor will she ever become a taekwondo blackbelter, or a singer of Lea Salonga's fame, even a top-caliber swimmer.

Except for swimming, Abby resisted structured activities like ballet, taekwondo and singing (too boring!). To get her to attend her classes (having paid in full already), I literally had to bribe and cajole her, and when those failed, I resorted to coercion and blackmail (like no TV)!

So why do I, and other stage mothers like myself, bother at all?

Because we love our children. We nurture the hope that they will be enriched through these activities. We would like to see them develop a good-enough singing voice, for instance, or learn survival skills from their swimming lessons, or know how and where to land a highly effective knee (we mothers can only hope in this!) should an admirer become too amorous in the future! And ballet? If she cannot become a ballerina, how about develop poise and grace at the least?

But more than being enriched by their experiences, I believe most stage mothers simply want to open up as many opportunities for their children as possible. To put it simply, we enroll our children from one class to another, and follow them around like glorified alalays lugging bags, water jugs and hair sprays, because we want to help them find where they can be good at! We owe that to them. And once we have found that, we want to nurture that gift the best we can.

All moms, whether working or stay-at-home, are stage mothers at heart. We want our children to be the best they can be. We want them to reach their full potential. And it is within our power to provide them with the right opportunities.

And should we become tired or too overwhelmed by the fees/expenses involved? Just read the story of one successful stage mother! She helped her daughters find their passions and she opened up opportunities for them.

She is Noemi Lardizabal-Dado. With her permission, I am reproducing here Rebirth of a Stage Mother which was posted in her blog Touched by an Angel: A Filipino Mother's Grief Journey and Recovery at http://aboutmyrecovery.com/.

Let us be inspired by her! She speaks for all of us!

"Gone are the days when I'd wait patiently by the lobby of the ballet studio, the Cultural Center of the Philippines, the Folk Arts Theater or wherever my 2 girls performed piano, ballet, voice recitals or a choir performance. Ohh, how enthralled I was listening or watching them on stage! Tying their hair to a neat bun, dabbling with their makeup or lugging their costumes were now a thing of the past. Those were my stage mother years. My hubby thought I was this frustrated mother who used her girls as a tool for her unfulfilled ambitions. Haha. Funny. My maternal instinct sought to develop the God-given talents of my daughters. I cannot for the life of me, carry a tune or tap my toes so there were no ballerina or opera singer dreams.

The stage mother years span from the time Lauren was a precocious 4 year old pianist till her early teens. Marielle, my second daughter, gifted with a singing voice, followed suit. The girls danced ballet, sang, played the piano, but when they discovered the Manila Children's Choir, they got hooked. Maybe because being with a group of kids was a blast. I even had my own barkada of stage mothers. As the mother of 2 minor children, I accompanied them to cultural exchange trips to the USA or Canada. Meanwhile, hubby whined that I constantly left him in the Philippines with my son. Feeling guilty, I resolved to curb these trips or at least train the girls to travel on their own. As we traveled, I gave pointers on airline, immigration procedures, packing, and basic travel.

In the summer of 2000, I announced to the girls that the Europe tour was cancelled because of a much-needed family vacation in Cebu. Now this is where I constantly have regrets. See, if we were in Europe, we would not have gone to the beach resort. If we did not go to the beach resort, my precious son would have not died. Regrets! Regrets! How could a family day turn into this nightmare? Through the years, those regrets and guilt have been resolved. We just don't know when death comes. It's HIS master plan.

And so, my stage mother years ended in the year 2000. However, the girls continued their singing performances and managed to travel on their own. In one of those trips, my daughter received the blessings from the frail Pope John Paul II in the Vatican. Then one day they realized they were too old for the children's choir and quit.

It's been 5 years now. Or so I thought!

A few weeks ago, Marielle sent me an urgent text message: "I need hairpins, gel, fine tooth comb, makeup bag. I need it for the concert tomorrow." I can sense the panic. "and stuffing for the hairnet! My hair is too short."

She joined a chorale in the University of the Philippines during her second semester because she missed the singing and performing days. See! I was not a stage mother for nothing.

Whaaaaat? I will drive all the way to Quezon City just to bring those things? Blah blah blah. Yakkity yak! She sweetly persuades me to concede, with an invitation to watch their show.

How could I resist? I'm still a stage mother. hehe."

WANTED: People who will help Kate!

Before my miscarriage, I had spotting for several days. During that time, I kept praying for God to spare my baby's life.

But towards the end and despite my inner fears about what I was going to pray for, I went ahead and asked God "please let my baby live... give her to me whatever her condition may be, no matter how IMPERFECT she may be... I will accept her any way she is... deformed, abnormal, retarded, mongoloid....."

I was scared while I prayed, knowing the difficulties that will lie ahead if God were to answer my prayers. But I still went on and prayed and prayed and prayed.....

But God did not want me to take that road. He was leading me to another.

Then I met Kate ... an imperfect baby. She has Down Syndrome and she has a very sick heart.

Had God answered my pleas, my baby could have been one much like Kate.

The struggles of Kate's mother and father, and their desperate efforts to find help inorder to save her life, would have been mine and Nonoy's struggles.

Is it still surprising why I want to help this baby?

I can help by giving financial aid. But I am not rich. If I were one, I would not be asking for aid from various people anymore. I would just say "schedule the surgery! I will take care of everything!"

Oh God! How I wish I could say that to Kate's mother and see joy and hope coming back into her eyes!

But I can only give what little I have, and it is but a drop, an insignificant addition that will not take us any nearer to the amount that is needed for the surgery!

So I got busy writing letters, particularly to MOTHERS who have lost their own children, and who have founded charitable foundations or who have embarked in worthy causes, in remembrance of their lost ones.

I am hoping that having known the pain that comes from losing a beloved child, they will be moved into helping Kate, not only because they are mothers themselves, but also because they will have compassion and will want to spare Kate's mother from the same pain... should God forbid, Kate be lost to her.

These mothers belong to a very select club. There are very strict requirements for membership. Not even the wealthiest will be accepted without the necessary qualifications!

I wish the members of this club will close ranks against Kate's mother ... ban her from the club at all cost ... DON'T EVER ACCEPT HER AS MEMBER! Do not let her in.....

You see, Kate's mother will have to lose Kate to become a member.

Qualification: know the excruciating pain of losing a beloved child. After that, you will qualify. No other requirements needed.

I hope with all my heart that no other mother, or father, or brother or sister will ever qualify again for such groups as the Compassionate Friends and INA (Inang Naulila sa Anak).

First, I wrote to Noemi Lardizabal-Dado, who lost her beautiful son Luijoe six years ago. Her pain led her into helping others. She co-founded Compassionate Friends Philippines, a grief support group for newly bereaved parents and siblings. She led me to Mrs. Gina de Venecia and Mrs. Cathy Guballa of Migi's Corner.

I wrote to Senator Pia Cayetano who founded Gabriel's Symphony in remembrance of her son. The Foundation helps children with cleft palate and also other children with special needs.

I also wrote to Cathy Guballa who lost her son, Migi, from the same ailment that Kate has - Tetralogy of Fallot. Migi succumbed due to complications during surgery.

This is the exactly the reason why Kate's need for surgery is EXTREMELY URGENT. The older she gets, the higher the pressures in her heart's arteries would become. Correspondingly, the risk that she would succumb to the same complications that Migi probably had, would also rise.

I sent a similar letter to Give a Life Foundation in the US. It is a long shot, but who knows?

Finally, I wrote to Mrs. Gina de Venecia. I was told that she is a philanthropist. She also lost a young daughter, KC. She founded INA (Inang Naulila sa Anak) Foundation, and like Compassionate Friends, they extend emotional support to grieving mothers.

All my hopes and everything that I feel for Kate are expressed in that letter. May I post a copy of that letter here:


Dear Ma’am Gina,

I am writing to you because I need to appeal to your heart as a mother. A baby will die if she does not get a much-needed surgery as soon as possible.

Your name was mentioned to me as somebody who will not turn your back on people who are in dire need of help, particularly a helpless baby. So I got in touched with Noemi Dado, hoping that she might know of a way to contact you. She gave me your office number and that was how I got your email address.

Please spare me a moment of your time. Let me tell you about a little baby named Kate.

She is 7 months old and she has a congenital heart disease known as Tetralogy of Fallot. It basically means that she 4 defects in her heart namely: pulmonary stenosis or atresia, dextroposition of the aorta, ventricular septal defect and right ventricular hypertrophy.

It is the same ailment Migi Guballa (Migi’s Corner) had. I understand he died due to complications while in the operating table.

In layman terms, it is a critical condition of the heart wherein not only one, but both valves of the chambers of the heart have defects which causes reduced oxygenation to the blood. This condition causes the heart to work harder, eventually and inevitably leading to heart failure and worse, death.

Kate was already seen by Dr. Amatong, a well-known Pediatric Cardiologist in Perpetual Succor Hospital in Cebu City. The doctor advised immediate open heart surgery in order to save baby Kate's life.

Ideally, the defects should have been corrected right after she was born. The longer the surgery is delayed, the riskier it is for Kate. This is because arterial pressures (the pressures in the heart) continue to rise as time passes, and once it reaches a certain level, which is very high, it would be too late for the baby. Surgery would be impossible by then.

Her parents need to raise from P400,000.00 to P500,000.00 for the operation. They can raise that by saving up, but it might be too late by then. Baby Kate’s need for surgery is VERY URGENT.

They tried to enter her as a charity patient at the Philippine Heart Center but Baby Kate was rejected. Would you like to know why? She has Down syndrome. Kate is a mongoloid baby.

WE WERE APPALLED AT THE CRUELTY OF SUCH POLICY!

I lost a child too, and that was why I found the Compassionate Friends. I was revolted at the injustice that is being heaped upon this helpless child. She has been dealt with one cruel blow after another, and on top of that, to be rejected because she is not what is considered a “normal child”?

My heart is crying for her and that is the reason why I am writing to you now, in the hope that BY TELLING YOU ABOUT KATE, you might be able to help me help her.

I was given to understand that even with the surgery, Kate might still not live beyond the age of 15 years because of her special condition. This was probably the reason children like Kate are not accepted into the Philippine Heart Center’s charity program.

We have also heard of comments like letting nature take its course, about everything being part of God’s will.

I lost a much prayed-for child, so every life is precious to me, as I suppose, it is to you Ma’am. Kate’s life is precious, no matter how imperfect she may be. She has a family who loves her just as much as we love our own healthy, perfect and normal children!

Kate deserves to live, just like any human being … just like any of God’s creations!

Silliman University (in Dumaguete City, Negros Oriental) High School Batch ‘84 is helping Kate because her mother, Dinnah Guevarra Lozada, was our former classmate. Collectively and individually, old classmates and batchmates (mostly US-based and Canada-based) have been donating and soliciting from friends, family and co-workers, but the money raised so far is still a long way from the amount needed. So far, we have only been able to raise P150,000.00.

The fund-raising campaign within SUHS Batch ’84 was initiated by our classmate, Dra. Joan Davis delos Santos. She is a pediatrician based in Quezon City.

Another classmate who has been of considerable help to Kate was Lily Anne Nichols. Single-handedly, she raised more than P35,000.00 from donations given by her friends, family and colleagues.

The baby’s local pediatrician, Dra. Glenda N. Nuico, has kindly consented to the mention of her name in my endeavors to find help for Kate. She will welcome your queries should you be interested to learn more. Her clinic is in Silliman University Medical Center, Dumaguete City. Her clinic hours are from 11:00 am to 6:00 pm. She can be reached in this number: SUMC TRUNKLINE: (035) 225-0841 local 125.

Ma’am, should you find in your heart the desire to help this baby in any way you can, I beg you, please do! Should you be willing to give financial aid, here is the bank account that was opened for Kate:

Metrobank – Dgte. Branch
Account Name : Dinnah Guevarra Lozada in trust for KATE GUEVARRA LOZADA
Account Number: 110-311059581-7

However, our times now being fraught with unscrupulous people on constant look-out for quick money, may I humbly ask you to verify about Kate first. That is why I have furnished you with the names and means to contact credible people who will be able to tell you more about this baby.

Kate desperately needs help. I would hate to think that whatever potential aid coming from you would be lost because of suspicion that this letter could be just another elaborate scam.

PLEASE HELP US HELP KATE. Whatever little amount you can spare will help her get a chance to live longer. We cannot just abandon her and let nature take its course! She is a human being and she deserves to live as much as we do! She too has a family who loves her as much as we love our own children.

Please help us do something right for this helpless little child. One bad thing after another has been happening to her even before she was born. Let us do something right for her. Let her feel, somehow, that her life is not just one big tragedy for all.

Thank you so much. May God bless you and your family and all your endeavors always.

Very respectfully yours,

OLGA LUCIA A. UY (SUHS Class of 1984)

This is not Goodbye MetroPost!

I had the pleasure of writing a column for a local publication these past six weeks. I posted my articles because I consider them to be part of my continuing journey. However, times are hard, and MetroPost had to announce that they are coming out with their last issue on July 30, 2006. This was the article that I wrote for them.

A REASON FOR EVERYTHING

For every pain that we much bear,
For every burden, every care,
There’s a reason.

For every grief, that bows the head,
For every tear drop that is shed,
There’s a reason.

For every hurt, for every plight,
For every lonely, pain-wracked night
There’s a reason.

BUT IF WE TRUST GOD, AS WE SHOULD,
IT WILL WORK OUT FOR OUR GOOD.

For only God knows the reason.


I had a miscarriage last May 9, 2006. I lost a much prayed-for baby and I was devastated. I did not merely lose an embryo. I lost my child, and that child was as real to me, and just as loved, as my daughter Abby. I even had a name already: Maria, for a girl. MAIA would have been her nickname.

I came into terms with my grief by hanging on to the message of that poem: that there is a reason for every bad thing that happens in our lives. I needed to believe that God did not make me go through that pain for no reason at all, that there is a purpose that is bigger than my puny self. He would not give a life and take it back so soon for no reason at all! God never plays games with us.

So I embarked on a journey of discovery, searching for the meaning and purpose behind my loss. I created a blog (www.losingmaia.blogspot.com) to remember Maia, my broken bird.

I also started an advocacy for compassionate medical professionals. It appeared in this blog: http://aboutmyrecovery.com/2006/05/30/compassionate-medical-professionals-wanted/. This is part of the bigger meaning that I am searching for and I am looking forward to joining forces with another grieving mother soon. She is a doctor, and she also wants to take up the same cause.

We have all been hurt, one way or another. In those dark times, have you ever asked God: “why?” I asked that question from Him too. He has not revealed the answer to me yet, but I find comfort in believing that whatever that reason may be, it has to be for something that is ultimately good for as many people as possible!

I lost my baby. Because of that, I started writing letters to everybody. I was told that I could “write”. MetroPost noticed and I was invited in. Can you see the connection? I got this column as a consequence of my loss!

So I embraced the opportunity to write for MetroPost as part of my ongoing search for the good that must come out in exchange for my pain. A plain housewife like myself can only hope to do it by sharing my life, and whatever lessons, insights and wisdom I might have gained along the way.

For instance, I revealed that I was molested to put a face to the “survivor” of child sexual abuse. I wanted to send across the message that “if it had happened to me, then it can happen to your children as well!” And if I saved one child from losing his/her innocence through that article, then I would say that my pain has found its worth.

There are so much more that I wanted to share with you, my dear reader. Let me take this final opportunity to tell you briefly about some of them because I think that they are very important to us:

Be warned against telephone callers. Tell your helpers again and again NEVER to give away ANY information about your family. I learned my lesson the hard way. That incident could break any marriage in half.

How about those of you who visit internet cafes? Be sure to sign off. I forgot to do it once. It almost broke MY own marriage in half.

Women who are finding it difficult to have babies – don’t lost hope. Medical science can help. I was able to have a baby despite my infertility. But it will cost you a lot of money, so start making sacrifices now. You can do that. A child is worth every sacrifice in this world.

Those of you who have lost children, especially very young ones: you are not alone in your pain. Let me introduce you to the Compassionate Friends Philippines, a grief support group for newly bereaved parents. (http://compassionatefriends.info/index.php). You will find friends who will understand you because each member has gone through the same pain that you may be going through right now. Call or text Noemi Lardizabal- Dado: 0917-810-1582, or visit her blogsite - http://aboutmyrecovery.com/, or email her: noemi@compassionatefriends.info. Believe me, she will help you as she helped me. No fees, nothing. Only friends who will understand your anguish.

Then there is this little 7-month old baby who desperately needs an open-heart surgery. Through this column, I had hoped that I could reach out to the hearts of every mother and father reading this now. Some members of the SUHS Batch ’84 are racing against time trying to raise enough money to help her. Please help us help this baby. It is not too late yet. If you need to know more, please contact me at this number: 0919-225-7170.

Finally, for the wonderful people behind the MetroPost….thank you for this opportunity to write for your paper. By giving me a voice, you helped ease my pain considerably.

Let me share the poem with you. I hope to share it with our readers as well.

Take heart from its message that there is a reason for everything, especially for the difficulties that you are facing now. Hang on to your faith and believe that God is orchestrating every event that happens, and that every little occurrence will fit like a piece of a puzzle in His grand plan for all of us. You may not know God’s reasons for your troubles now, but they will be revealed to you in time. I will look forward to that time when we all have our “Ah-now-I-know” moment.

I remember a line from the movie Jurassic Park: "life will find a way". Yes, that is also true for you. A great paper like MetroPost will also find a way to go on.

This is not goodbye Metropost. We all look forward to seeing you back in the stands once again. Until next…..

Help for Baby Kate

This is Baby Kate Guevarra Lozada.

Let me tell you about this little girl.

She is 7 months old and she has a congenital heart disease known as Tetralogy of Fallot. It basically means that she has 4 defects in her heart namely: pulmonary stenosis or atresia, dextroposition of the aorta, ventricular septal defect and right ventricular hypertrophy.

It is basically a critical condition of the heart wherein not only 1 but both valves of the chambers of the heart have defects which causes reduced oxygenation to the blood, causing the heart to work harder and eventually would lead to heart failure and worse, death.

Kate was seen by Dr. Amatong, a well-known Pediatric Cardiologist in Perpetual Succor Hospital, Cebu City. The doctor advised immediate open heart surgery in order to save baby Kate's life.

She has to be operated on as soon as possible because once the arterial pressures (the pressures in the heart) reach a certain level which is very high, it would be totally impossible to do the surgery.

Ideally, the defects should have been corrected after she was born. The longer the surgery is delayed, the riskier it is for Kate.

My old high school classmates and I are trying to help this baby because her mother was our batchmate: SUHS Class of 1984.

She is Dinnah Guevarra Lozada and she is a staff pharmacist in the Pharmacy of Silliman University Medical Center.

They need to raise from 400T to 500T for the operation but they do not have the means to do it in time for the surgery which is urgently needed.

The cost would have been less if Baby Kate could qualify as a charity case in the Phil. Heart Center, but you see, she was rejected because she has Down Syndrome.
Apparently, the policy is to reserve slots only for otherwise normal individuals whose quality of life would be improved after the operation. It looks like Baby Kate has been categorized as not worth helping, a hopeless case. How cruel is that? Cant you feel the injustice of this policy? How sad it is for Kate who has been having one hard blow after another even before she was born.

The surgery is riskier for Kate because she is a special child. And even after such surgery, her quality of life wont be improved because she is mongoloid. But we cannot just give up on her and just wait for her heart to give out! Even a child like Kate has a right to live!

So far, our batch has raised around 150T. These are mostly donations from classmates who are abroad.

This fund-raising was spearheaded by our classmate Dra. Joan Davis delos Santos, daughter of Dr. Davis, an anesthesiologist in Holy Child Hospital . She is one great lady!

There is also another great lady who is into helping Kate wholeheartedly. Her name is LilyAnne Nichols and she is the voice in the Lifestyle channel. She is also a DJ at 923 Joey in Makati. She circulated a letter around her friends and co-employees telling them about Kate and would you believe, she raised more than 30T!!!!

Anybody out there who may also want to help this poor baby? Please ..........

How safe are our children from molesters?

I was molested when I was 5 or 6 years old. I still remember his name – Tito Jojo. I can still see his face in my mind, his bronzed skin, his curly hair.

He was a trusted family friend, most welcomed in our home, Daddy’s drinking buddy.

For years, I did not know the significance of the fondling that I received from him. It was our big secret, like a game. But despite my innocence, I instinctively knew that he was not supposed to do what he did, so I never forgot. It was only when I was in my teens when I realized what it was all about.

I guess some of you will be shocked by this revelation. Olga’s hanging dirty laundry in public, how shameful! There are things best kept private. She should know that!

Yes, I know all that. But then, I have no qualms about revealing this to you. Actually, I don’t have any personal hang-ups. I rationalized early on that there is no shame at being victimized. After all, it was not my fault. I did not choose to be placed into that situation. I was a young, innocent child then, and consciously, I did not even realize what exactly was going on.

But it still left an effect on me. Call me praning, but that is how I am when it comes to protecting my own daughter. She is 6 years old, around my age when I was violated. When I look at her, I marvel at her innocence and the joy and excitement with which she lives her young life each day. And I am filled with resolve to protect that innocence at all cost and for as long as possible.

After all, if it happened to me, it can happen to my daughter too. And yes, my dear reader, it can happen to your child as well.

And that is exactly the reason why I decided to write about this topic today. I hope to create an awareness among the minds of the readers – most of whom are parents, or aunts and uncles, or sister and brothers to little boys and girls out there – that this menace is all around us. Things like this do not happen only in far off places. These are not merely news stories that we see on TV each evening. These things are happening, and yes, they have happened to people we see around everyday. But more often than not, these experiences are cloaked in secrecy, because of shame and fear of the social stigma that may attach.

Personally, I know of 2 or 3 people who have had similar experiences when they were children. I know of a friend whose 4-year daughter was molested by her teen-aged nephew who lived with them. She learned about it when pus started coming out from the child’s genitalia. She also developed UTI. A few months ago, a 6-year old girl from Siaton was violated by a 14-year old boy. I was told she had blood all over her. A few days ago, right here in Dumaguete, a 4-year old girl had a similar experience. A 9-year old boy did it to her.

The victims that I cited were all girls. But do not be lulled into believing that only the girls are vulnerable to sexual predation. Little boys can become victims too. I spoke with somebody who openly admitted his preference for young boys!

Then, there was this incident in Manila, in one of the big malls there. A little boy went to the men’s room while his mother waited outside. When she started wondering what took him so long, she followed him inside. She found her child in a state of shock, with seminal fluid dripping from his mouth.

These children are fortunate that they escaped with their lives. Others are not so lucky, like the 9-year old niece of my brother-in-law’s driver. She was raped and then stabbed repeatedly. Her mother chanced upon the assailant while he was still stabbing the dead girl. It happened in Sibulan.

We should not be too trusting nowadays. The statistics are staggering: one in four girls and one in six boys will be victims of some type of sexual abuse or assault by the time they reach age 18. There are many types of child sexual abuse, from inappropriate touching, fondling, exposure to pornography, to full forced intercourse and sadistic acts. Abuse may consist of a one-time incident or an ongoing perpetration, which continues throughout childhood into teen years.

Research studies conducted in schools show that for every 3 Filipino children, one child experiences abuse (Manila Bulletin, 11 February 1996). During the first semester of 1999 alone, there were 2,393 children who fell prey to rape, attempted rape, incest, acts of lasciviousness and prostitution (DSWD 1st semester, CY 1999 – Statistics are not from Dumaguete).

Most cases of child sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows: a parent, a sibling, another relative, a family friend, a neighbor, a teacher, a member of the clergy.

Some victims still live under the dark cloud of secrecy, unable to reveal their painful experiences. Because of this, they may go through life carrying feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame, anxiety, fear, or may have issues of trust, safety, and self-esteem. They may become angry, hostile, suicidal, may turn to drugs or alcohol, act out sexually, or engage in other high-risk behaviors.

So I am still praning? Ok, fine, call me praning. If fact, go ahead and call me neurotic, OA (over-acting) too, or overprotective, even hyper-protective! You're welcome to help me find more words to describe me, I cannot think of any more right now :-) I will accept any label on my person. If that’s what it takes to protect my child, then so be it.

So dear parents, do take a moment to reflect on how safe your children really are from these predators, be it in your homes, or in their schools, or even in friends' or relatives' houses. Are you too trusting? For instance, do you have a yayo rather than a yaya taking care of your young one? I remember a story a few years ago about a girl right here in Dumaguete City who was abused by her yayo. He used to watch pornographic films in their neighbors’ house.

Do you have male employees in your household? Are your children allowed to go outside your home unaccompanied by an adult?

My daughter has a yaya although she does not need one anymore. Her role is chiefly to keep her company, whether inside or outside our home. She is not required to do anything else while my daughter is with her. She has my orders, never leave Abby’s side, ever. I briefed her thoroughly about the reasons. Abby has strict instructions as well - never to leave our house unaccompanied. This is notwithstanding the fact that our home is surrounded by a high fence and the gates are always closed. You see, we have male workers and that is what’s freaking me out.

In her school, I insisted that the children should be accompanied by an adult whenever they had to leave their classroom to visit the restroom. Another parent suggested that all unused rooms should be kept locked.

That is not all. I told you, I am praning when it comes to this subject. But this article is becoming too long already.

We should be perpetually vigilant when it comes to protecting our children. Not only should we concern ourselves with their physical well-being, but more importantly perhaps, we should strive to keep their mental, emotional and psychological integrity intact.

After all, that oh-so-sweet and precious innocence will be theirs for so brief a time only. Once it is lost, it will stay lost forever. Let them enjoy that for as long as possible. We owe that to them.

SINGLE PARENT: The OFW Wife

Last time, I rejoiced over my daughter’s recovery from her bout with flu. But it was to be short lived. Barely two days passed before it returned with a vengeance. This time, I succumbed to panic because her fever still came despite the antibiotics she was taking at that time. I rushed Abby to SUMC.

But before leaving our home, I hurriedly keyed in the words “taking abby hospital admit said nuico” into the computer and sent the message via email to my husband’s ship.

I mentioned having sent that message because it sets the tone of my topic today: of me being an “OFW Wife” - a figurative single parent. My husband is a seafarer, and he is away from us ten months out of each year. Although he frequently calls us, and we keep in touch almost daily by email and SMS, his participation as father virtually boils down to one thing most of the time: getting informed of what has happened, what is happening, or what is about to happen.

Therefore, as both papa and mama to Abby, I am practically alone as I celebrate the joys of watching her grow and develop. Similarly, I am equally alone in my daily struggles of raising her, with all its accompanying pains, worries and difficulties. I am both mother and father in one package! The single parent.

At the hospital, while I waited for the doctors to attend to my sick child, a feeling of déjà vu came over me. Me, sick Abby, yaya …… Why! We’ve been in this exact same situation countless times before!! Just the three of us and always late at night.

I remembered those times when I used to watch with envy as other sick children came in lovingly attended to by both mother and father …

In moments such as those an intense yearning would come over me, a longing so fierce it would actually manifest itself as a physical pain on my chest, and I would find myself thinking, “how I wish Nonoy was here.”

If only I could find the words to convey my sense of utter helplessness and exhaustion then, when I longed for my husband’s presence, to have his shoulder to lean on … just to be able to worry only of what mamas usually worry about when their babies become sick … when I could just be the mama and not mama and papa rolled into one … when I could stop being the boss, manager, planner, organizer, CEO – and just let go of the rein and have my husband take control……

In the difficult days that followed, I mulled over my life as an “OFW wife”. I must admit that it has its benefits. My husband being a dollar earner, we are blessed in the sense that we do not have to worry over our daily financial needs. It has its rewards as well. I used to travel with Nonoy before our daughter came. Then, at the age of two, Abby became a seasoned world traveler and “seagirl”. There were summers when we joined her father on his ship and sailed with him for months, visiting various countries and having adventures that would not have been available to us, had our lives been different.

We do not have money in abundance, but we have enough to give us a very comfortable life. With the money that my husband is sending home, I can send my daughter to any school I deem best for her or allow her to travel around Dumaguete in ease and comfort, spared from the sun’s heat or the rain’s chill. With his earning capacity, we now have a home we can proudly call our own and within its walls, we enjoy all the physical comforts that his income brings.

Personally, I am enjoying all the benefits as well. For instance, I can have as many household helps as I want. I do not have to lift a finger when it comes to doing the daily chores. I can watch TV until dawn if I want to! That’s because I do not have to worry about getting up early for work! I love to bake and experiment with cooking. Thankfully, I have the means to pursue this hobby.

Basically, part of the benefits of the “OFW Wife” is to HAVE CHOICES. For instance, my being a HOUSEWIFE is a choice. My husband’s income being sufficient for our needs, I have the option whether to work or not. I can choose to pursue a career in law and live a life outside my home or just be a simple housewife and devote my time and attention to caring for my child. I can choose to be my child’s primary caregiver or entrust her to the care of some other woman. I can choose to have her driven around by other men whose physical, mental and psychological condition may be questionable, or drive her myself and thus maximize her safety. I can choose to have her eating cold lunch at school, or bring hot meals to her every time.

I am always thankful to God for giving me the luxury of choice. No day ever passes when I do not appreciate the life that has been given to me by the Lord Almighty. But the life of the “OFW wife” is not rosy at all. It has its downside, and the depth and magnitude of the emotional, psychological, mental and physical difficulties brought about by this “other side” far outweighs all the benefits, which at best, are merely material in character.

There is a flip side to every coin. In the same manner, the benefits that I am enjoying come with its particular brand of “curse”, if I may call it one. The fact that I am able to enjoy all these means that I have to enjoy them alone. Yes, I am literally alone as I live my life day after day.

There is this emptiness in our family that no amount of material benefits could ever fill in. Only women who are similarly situated as I am can empathize when I write about this enveloping sense of loneliness that follows me everywhere, perpetually present behind my smiles and laughter as I go about living my life. Way beyond the physical aspect of a married couple’s life, this aloneness manifests itself in ways as simple as not having Nonoy to talk with about everyday trivial matters, or share jokes and laugh with, or even quarrel with, or not having this loving father to share my amazement with, when our child would do an “Ahhh” moment.

There are so many things that married couples take for granted in each other, and more often than not, they get to realize this and appreciate its significance in their lives, only when one is absent. The fact alone that one has somebody to share life’s daily burdens with is a blessing that should be acknowledged by every husband and wife in each other.

But one learns to cope, as I learned to cope with my life as a “husbandless wife and mother”. I tried to be strong in my chosen role as “ma-pa”, and most times, I do rather well. But there would come times when my heart would crave for my husband’s strong and cheerful presence, when what I wanted more than anything else was to depend on someone else for a change, where I do not have to be the boss anymore.

This desire becomes more evident during difficult times, like when our daughter would become ill, when I have to be strong despite my inner turmoil, when I have nobody to share my fears and anxieties with, when I become exhausted and I do not even have a shoulder to lean my weary head on.

When people talk of one’s spouse being a partner, I would agree wholeheartedly. A husband is truly a partner in every sense of the word, to share everything with, in good times and in bad ……

One can’t help but ask: is all that money worth this lonely struggle? For myself, it is not. I know how to enjoy the benefits that money brings. I will not deny that. But honestly, I can do away with that and will happily choose to enter another struggle arena, but with my husband by my side.

But then, I would look at Abby and ask what about her? We owe her the best life possible. We owe her all the opportunities that we could make available to her. After all, she did not come to us by accident. We asked God for her and we solicited the aid of modern science to be able to have her. Without the dollars her father is earning, she will not be able to enjoy the same privileged life she is having now.

So this takes us back to where we started. About making choices. This time, Nonoy and I choose to go on with our lives as it is now, because we deal with the hard realities of life today, and we have Abby’s best interests in our hearts. In the meantime, we make sacrifices and try to be strong during difficult times.

And this is something that we share in common with all other OFW families – deal with the hard fact that a better life can be had only if one parent will leave for abroad, and for all the rest to make sacrifices, and accept that separation and loneliness are the price that have to be paid for the chance to have a better life and a better future.

We also share common goals, hopes and aspirations – finish constructing our homes, buy a car, save up enough to send the children to college, save up enough to start a business that can hopefully sustain us in the future, and then look forward to that time when Papa, or Mama for that matter, will not have to leave, and the family will be whole again.