When maternal protectiveness goes on overdrive!

A concerned relative wrote to me about not thinking about my loss because it might affect my health, about focusing on my "tangible" child instead ...

I really appreciate her concern. But I replied to her that I cannot and will not "not think" of my lost baby. I will not relegate her to the back of my mind and go on with life telling people that I only have "one" child. I have two children. One is with me. The other is in heaven.

Had Maia been born, would she have been different or very similar to her Ate? I sometimes find myself wondering about that as I watch Abby. For instance, Abby does not like to cuddle. The longest embrace she would tolerate is 30 seconds tops! Beyond that, she would start wriggling and spewing out all sorts of excuses she could think of, just to be able to extricate herself from my hugs!:(

But whoever said that we love our children, not despite of, but because of exactly who and what they are ... is absolutely right! That person encapsulated in those few words the very essence of unconditional love.

In a perfect world where no child ever leaves us ... where I have Maia as another beautiful 6-year old, would I find her with a personality that is different from that of her Ate? Would she love to cuddle and be willing to stay in my embrace forever? That would be nice.

But I do not have Maia with me. My relative is correct when she wrote that I should focus on the child who is with me. In the weeks that followed our loss, I kind of neglected Abby. Physically, it showed in the way she lost some weight. I just hope that whatever emotional and psychological effects it may have had on her will not be long-lasting.

I resolved to make up to her for my neglect. Without meaning to do so, and realizing it just now, my protectiveness over Abby has gone on overdrive. In her school, I am certain that I must be giving headaches to the authorities with my complaints, demands, suggestions, ideas (name it, I've done it since June 13 when school opened ... and it's only June 19 today!)... they must be reeling until now from typhoon Olga ... I can just imagine what goes on in their heads as I come ... "O-oh! her she comes again!!" Forgive me, but I am only doing what I think is best, not only for my daughter, but also for the other children, and ultimately, for the school itself.

Look! She is the only child I have left in this earth. And I am going to do anything and everything to protect her and keep her safe, wherever she may be ...

I also want nothing but the best for her, but not necessarily in the material sense. There are more important things in this life aside from those that we can see ... and that's the "best" that I want for her.

There was nothing I could do to save Maia. But Abby is with me and my maternal instincts have gone hyper.

I hope and pray that no other mother's instincts will have to get to that point, if it will mean having to go through what I went through.